Angeli’s God Moment
My “God moment” happened just last year.
I grew up as a Navy brat. This meant that my family moved every few years and I would be forced to have a “fresh start.” I never had trouble making friends, but it was difficult for me to keep them.
Apart from the friends I met at church, I also found groups of friends that I enjoyed being around throughout high school and my early years of college. I love them all so much. Most of them were, and still are, very sincere and kind people. However, because many of them didn’t share or practice the same faith, I wasn’t my full self around them. In a sense, I left my faith at the door to fit into the expectations set by the circumstances I was in, be-it parties or music festivals.
Since high school, I developed unhealthy habits and a mindset that left me anxious and depressed. Before my “God moment” happened, one of my best friends got up and left me when I thought I needed her the most. This then led me to distance myself from the rest of my friends at church because if I detached myself from them, it might hurt less if they decide to leave me too.
I started to drown myself in my vices.
But one day at a party, I found myself feeling so uncomfortable. I was easily irritable of the conversations happening around me and I no longer felt welcomed because I was no longer interested in many of the things they wanted to do or talk about. There was a tug on my heart and mind, asking: Is this really how you want to live your life?
I wanted change. I didn’t want to feel this way around my “friends.” I wanted to overcome the bad habits that never benefited me in the first place, but how?
I stopped replying to invitations, I didn’t show up to parties, and I distanced myself from that lifestyle, but I couldn’t help but feel so alone. In this season of cleaning up my life, there were moments where I wanted to give up completely. If I was in the process of bettering myself and strengthening my faith, why did it feel so wrong? Why did it seem like I had to go through it alone?
I felt so unseen. Unheard. Insignificant.
I still don’t have the exact words to describe the amount of pain I experienced when it happened. I pleaded with God to take away the pain of abandonment, insignificance, and hopelessness. I turned to what I knew could help me, the Word of God.
“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them”
Romans 8:28
It’s such a simple, yet powerful verse that brought me comfort, assurance, and so much more hope. I know that it hurt God to see me hurt, but this hurt had a purpose. I began to accept that leaving behind these old habits meant I would lose even more friends, but it was for my own good. I had to wholeheartedly trust the Lord.
The purpose of this season was to strip away my vices, my anxiety, my feelings of abandonment, and the spirit of unforgiveness in my heart. Letting go allowed God to enter my heart, comfort me, and heal me.
My spirit has been made new, by the grace of God. I knew that even if I felt lonely, I was never alone. God was and is always there for me, guiding me and pursuing me. He has always been a constant and consistent force in my life.
He sustained me.
Through this season, God taught me to become more intentional with my relationships, not out of fear of being abandoned, but out of love for those I choose to invest in. It would be unfair to them if my intentions were half-hearted and out of convenience.
The day Jonah brought up the idea of this ministry, I knew this was going to take me into a season of discomfort. It would take me out of my little bubble and allow new people into my life. Through this ministry, I have strengthened and created such wonderful friendships.
I pray that if you are ever feeling this way, that you will seek comfort from our Father. If you are going through a similar season in your life, I pray that you allow yourself to heal before entering new friendships, that they will have intention. I hope that you will see and feel the peace and joy that comes from quality, God-centered fellowship.